Rachel … You know you had a mental breakdown right?

 

For all of you who may not know, I left my life over 12 months ago and was never going to look back.

This hurt my husband and children terribly and whilst I rationalized what I was doing, I didn’t share my thoughts with all and sundry, I barely shared it with my kids, I just knew I had to leave, I couldn’t go on anymore in the hamster wheel that I felt my life was.

It took a lot of packing and moving and packing and moving to find myself with the help of an amazing psychologist and my husband at my side.

So that you have a small idea of my past, I lost my son in 2007 in a boating accident. This was obviously traumatic for my family and myself and unbeknownst to me I had not dealt with it properly (at all ) because I was the Mum, I had 2 other children to help,love and navigate through the loss. My husband dealt with it the best way he could but I just wasn’t able to lean on him or allow him to lean on me. So nearly 10 years later after many ups and downs I packed up and left. There were other issues to be faced as well, unhappiness can lead us to do unspeakable hurts to each other and I am no exception.

My journey took me to Dubbo and whilst there I got to make some great friends, work in wonderful businesses and enjoy all that Dubbo has to offer.

I thought what I did was justified, I believed that I had suffered long enough, I had put up with feeling alone for so long that leaving was no different to the life I lived only I didn’t have to cook and clean.

The truth of the past year is that I reached depths of loneliness like none I had every experienced and I struggled, financially and mentally. But I also managed to embrace the single life in my own way, make decisions and go places I would not normally go to. I lived and realized I missed my children and my husband. I wont say that all is rosy and we are all living happily ever after, because that would be a disgraceful lie, you simply cannot leave your family and expect acceptance when you are ready to go back again,.

My children went through a roller coaster of love and hate towards myself and their father, they still wait with breath held to see how our lives will pan out. I know that I have created scars that may never heal, when in actual fact I just wanted them to recognize the strength it took to walk away from unhappiness in a bid to be happy again.

So I got proper professional help and I learnt that I had suffered a breakdown, I simply could no longer function the way I was and basically ran away to save myself. A lot of past experiences were brought up and discussed that explained why I was the way I was in my marriage, why I hurt my husband and in turn he learnt why he hurt me.

I have never felt so free, these psychology sessions saved my life, truly releasing me from the constant questioning of why I was this way!

If you are feeling like you cannot cope anymore,  like you can’t imagine living another day the way you are, reach out and talk to a professional, it can change your life by changing your perspective.

Having someone totally neutral listen and advise is liberating in so many ways.

Till next time

Don’t forget

Smile and Breathe Deeply

2 thoughts on “Rachel … You know you had a mental breakdown right?

Add yours

  1. Hi Rachel,

    Wow..! What a journey and thank you for sharing. It’s good to know you are not alone and others have walked a similar path.

    The crossroads for me, was the life changing surgery we both undertook. I think the change in my body gave me the confidence to makes some changes in my life. I was no longer the person that thought, “this is as good as it gets” . If I can change my body, I can change my life and be happy again.

    Just remember, your children will always love you. They may disagree with your decisions and actions but ultimately just want to see you happy.

    Great work with your blog. I look forward to reading more.

    Liked by 1 person

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