For all of you who may not know, I left my life over 12 months ago and was never going to look back.
This hurt my husband and children terribly and whilst I rationalized what I was doing, I didn’t share my thoughts with all and sundry, I barely shared it with my kids, I just knew I had to leave, I couldn’t go on anymore in the hamster wheel that I felt my life was.
It took a lot of packing and moving and packing and moving to find myself with the help of an amazing psychologist and my husband at my side.
So that you have a small idea of my past, I lost my son in 2007 in a boating accident. This was obviously traumatic for my family and myself and unbeknownst to me I had not dealt with it properly (at all ) because I was the Mum, I had 2 other children to help,love and navigate through the loss. My husband dealt with it the best way he could but I just wasn’t able to lean on him or allow him to lean on me. So nearly 10 years later after many ups and downs I packed up and left. There were other issues to be faced as well, unhappiness can lead us to do unspeakable hurts to each other and I am no exception.
My journey took me to Dubbo and whilst there I got to make some great friends, work in wonderful businesses and enjoy all that Dubbo has to offer.
I thought what I did was justified, I believed that I had suffered long enough, I had put up with feeling alone for so long that leaving was no different to the life I lived only I didn’t have to cook and clean.
The truth of the past year is that I reached depths of loneliness like none I had every experienced and I struggled, financially and mentally. But I also managed to embrace the single life in my own way, make decisions and go places I would not normally go to. I lived and realized I missed my children and my husband. I wont say that all is rosy and we are all living happily ever after, because that would be a disgraceful lie, you simply cannot leave your family and expect acceptance when you are ready to go back again,.
My children went through a roller coaster of love and hate towards myself and their father, they still wait with breath held to see how our lives will pan out. I know that I have created scars that may never heal, when in actual fact I just wanted them to recognize the strength it took to walk away from unhappiness in a bid to be happy again.
So I got proper professional help and I learnt that I had suffered a breakdown, I simply could no longer function the way I was and basically ran away to save myself. A lot of past experiences were brought up and discussed that explained why I was the way I was in my marriage, why I hurt my husband and in turn he learnt why he hurt me.
I have never felt so free, these psychology sessions saved my life, truly releasing me from the constant questioning of why I was this way!
If you are feeling like you cannot cope anymore, like you can’t imagine living another day the way you are, reach out and talk to a professional, it can change your life by changing your perspective.
Having someone totally neutral listen and advise is liberating in so many ways.
Till next time
Smile and Breathe Deeply