I know it is a standing quip to make fun of inlaws, those dreaded extended family that we have no choice in putting up with and have to deal with throughout our marriages or relationships.
For some this is an arduous journey, don’t we all hear of the dreaded Mother-in-laws? In my case I was very lucky, I have great in-laws, whilst we have certainly had our clashes (big big ones) I am proud to say that my children have an amazing Grandmother and whilst Grandpa has been through his trials with us all, he too is much loved. This was put to the ultimate test when I walked away from Lynden and because of my silence I am not much liked by his mother anymore.
I understand that a mothers love is very very strong, and I appreciate the support that Lyndens mother gave him and my children as they navigated my exit, but I am saddened by the venom that she has since shown me. I tried very hard to let her know how grateful I was for her support and love of my family, and it has since been thrown back in my face. It has been a hurdle for me emotionally, one I discussed at length with my psychologist. I had always struggled with people not liking me, I just didn’t understanding that, it is not possible to get on with everyone, we are all too different. Now I am learning to let go of the negativity.
I had a friend show me a post recently that I will attach to this blog that describes toxic people and I think for all the negative people in my life, that appeared when I left and didn’t sit on the fence instead casting their own opinions, this post is relevant.
“Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.” —Daniell Koepke
Again I want to say that I am very lucky to have her in my children’s lives, and because I didn’t share what was happening with her, along with the affair revelations, she chose to dislike me intensely. There is no way to change this, I cannot remedy her hurt and anger, she had to endure her sons rollercoaster of emotions and my children as well, I have struggled with forgiving her for the spite with which she spoke about me to my children, but I understand we all deal with these trials differently.
Thank goodness for my own parents who did stay neutral throughout, for they have shown me true strength and understanding .
To those that sit and listen to the rage that spews forth from negative people, we try to teach our own children to be the person that stands up when another is being bullied, we ask that they show strength of character and be the one to tell that bully to stop, or walk away and not give that person any power, if you didn’t you were complicit.
This is a somewhat terrible, piteous post, but it is something I am struggling with and needed to cast out.
Please remember that not everything that happens in others lives is public fodder, when we are struggling, when friends do things that seem left of centre or out of character, we need to be available and supportive, but we cannot expect all the juicy details, or for that matter expect the inside story. Some stories are not ready to be told. We also have no right to form an opinion and share it to whoever will listen.
For all those struggling with In-Laws, you may not always get on and you need to know, that’s OK.
I am only just understanding the reactions I have around different people. Have you ever been in a room and there is just one person that seems to make you feel like your hearing nails on a chalkboard. The one person in a meeting that grates on your last nerve, the relative that attends events that makes you wish you hadn’t come. Well, I have learnt that our body is telling us we cant deal with them, we literally do not want or need to be around them and that is completely OK, it is normal, it is a natural defense, I suppose the same as animals in the wild that simply cannot be in each other’s company…You know Lions and Antelopes for example. Sometimes they can share a space but mostly that Lion wants to eat that Antelope.
My point and I do have one…please be kind
Please try and understand that everything is not always your business
Be Switzerland and sit on the fence, take time to watch and be available.
Most importantly …Live your truth!!