I just had a stupendous argument with my husband…Why?
The truth is..I don’t really know. We go to breakfast, I decide shopping after breakfast since he is with me, and then half way through a casual shopping experience he says he has a headache, can we hurry up he needs a tablet…and click, the light goes off.
I say off because something in me breaks, I feel like I have spent the time since he arrived listening to nothing but negative, be it politics, tv ads, current affairs programs, crops, weather, jibes at Georgia for not shoveling enough, not having his weather app set up…it just felt in that moment like, enough was enough…so I said fine lets go home and I’ll come back and finish it by myself and I wont have to rush…
Yep…that one comment unleashed all the negative pent up feelings, and funnily enough none of them are cohesive thoughts or issues, it is just a giant scramble of hurts and frustrations and deep seeded fears spewed into the atmosphere, some of it meant to hurt, inflict a scar that will create a reaction, because that is the habit you see, when you have known someone for 26 years you know what will hurt them, what words, phrases, sentences will strike like a belt on flesh. I hit that mark and then some, I wasn’t rational at all.
I am always questioning my life, I live on the edge of reason really because I have this lovely home and am comfortable, but still I feel that I need an escape plan. I need to know that when it gets bad I can go and I will survive, but living here at the mercy of my husband is a precarious position for me. He constantly reminds me that it is OURS, but I don’t pay the majority of the debt, my settlement money went in as deposit, you know the settlement that was never finalized, so that is the only interest I have in the place, I don’t earn enough to look after it if I decide tomorrow I am done with my husband, but what rational, happy, settled individual thinks that way?? Ummm Me, everyday of my life I am in contingency mode, assessing my feelings, adjusting my thoughts so that I can function and carry on as a normal human would. Existing some may call it, not everyday is so edge worthy, some days are calm and I feel my place on earth is sound and I am where I need to be, but the bad days eclipse the good and again the soul searching and questioning begins.
Do I love this man enough to stay, is it enough to live apart through the week and have him here on weekends, is it unreasonable to want time apart and like it. I have struggled with all my battling thoughts, I wonder if I am just meant to suffer alone? Am I meant to be solitary and choose my own path, and will that bring me happiness because the last 12 months had its ups but had many downs and many tears..the first time I cried in months, really cried was today because I never wanted to fight like this again, I made a promise to myself that this would not be my life anymore and here we are.
So I sat back and had a look at the argument, the feelings that caused it and we talked and cried and talked (ok I talked) and we are ok…I am grateful today for the man that knows me better than anyone else, but also for the man that is prepared to listen and take onboard some of my reasonings. Not all are rational, some are a product of years of emotions and life habits, but I am trying so hard to be in a positive head space that I struggle being around negative people, even those I love dearly.
So we compromise, we listen and try to react differently, understand and being more flexible. Sometimes we ask things of each other that are not understood. We expect things that the other can’t fathom, and we think they should understand without question, I suppose that is human nature and more so with someone that we have lived a long time with.
So for now I’m smiling, breathing deeply and being grateful for the small moments
Live your truth