Brutal but important question to ask. My last post was over 18 months ago and in that time I have had yet another change in career direction, change into a new career and found myself lately right back at square one, a mental emotional wreck. So what exactly has gone on, what has happened to put me here. I think after much soul searching, a lot of tears, a lot of quiet time and life contemplation I believe that I am going through pre-empty nest syndrome. My daughter, my last baby is about to finish Year 12, she has turned 18, she drives, she drinks, she is independent but still she lives with me and is for the most part still my little girl that has to appreciate and live as child and parent unit. I know she is leaving to live in the UK for 12 months in December and I am not coping with this at all. Life as I have known it is about to change dramatically. I know with abject certainty that within a few months of her leaving I will be fine again, I will find my new normal and have assimilated into my new “child free” existence, but the unknown aspects are what plague me right now.
So in my manic state, my thoughts are rapid and dark, I go and walk around the shops looking for distractions, just this weekend I went and purchased a full kit of earring making paraphernalia so that I could make my own earrings instead of buying $10 to $25 pairs online. This was a great idea, a way for my mind to focus on something other than my whoas, however once home not only did I have buyers remorse I also had little to no artistic skills, no idea how to manage polymer clay and ended up with sub-par (what I have labeled “eclectic” earrings) none of which are uniform or in any way salable. In hindsight I am still optimistic but should have just bought a few pairs online.
As I mentioned at the beginning I have undertaken a career change, studying into Aged Care and now doing my Diploma of Registered Nursing. I will not say it has been a fantastic transition, that I have finally found my chosen vocation .. blah blah blah, Infact I have found a job that I actually do love, Aged Care is definitely my thing, I love it and it works for me outside of a payed position, it is actually uplifting for my soul, even though we start early or work late into the night, it truly is a privilege to do what I do. The nursing side of things is purely for information and education. Our nurses truly are incredible humans, they are basically on the front line in their jobs, taking the brunt and responsibility for any and all goings on, decisions and disasters. These men and women deserve high praise and while I am studying, I am not convinced it is my end game, it is however very educational and knowledge is power they say…
So why have I decided to put words down again? A friend reminded me today that she enjoyed reading my blog and of late I have wanted to unload my burdens in order to help others on their own journeys. I guess I need to practice what I preach and “live my truth” because lately I have held everything in and I feel I am nearly out of control.So there it is, my return to the arena. I will now get a few hours sleep before starting another shift, but get ready for more insights and changes, loves, losses and uplifting moments. Yep Rachel is back..
Remember Smile and Breath Deep